Untitled Goose Game (2019)
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Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds