Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
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every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Harsh but fair
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.