Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
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Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.
🥲
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”