Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
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So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business