Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
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Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
When you’re Kinky but poor
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
#Caturday
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
