Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night

bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!

hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?

me: I guess me

hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you

me: that feels like even more reason to tell me

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦‍♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦‍♂️😏🤦‍♂️😉🤦‍♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

going ballistic. anyone need anything?

8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.