Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.

By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*

Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”

Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break

Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8

Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset

Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.

I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.

[interview at a clothing store]

be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog

“so what color is this dress?”

oh you gotta be kidding me

It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.

Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles

Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”