me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
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Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
oh my god
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏