ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
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“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
