ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
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I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.