Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

Australia has an election this year. Wanna talk about it all day, every day, and make it our entire personality?

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

me: woah real life russian dolls

midwife: get out

Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

<gets on elevator >

Pushes all the buttons

Hugs everyone

Prays out loud that we’re not going to die

Gets off at the 2nd floor

Laughs

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?

Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants

You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra