Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
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My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Green is just blue that someone peed in
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
My dog learned how to text
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
choose your gary
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.