Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
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My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Well, this is awkward
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know