Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

This kid is going places

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting

You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear

There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving

In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.