Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow

A classic…

Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.

Damn chess infection 😕

My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.