me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
You Might Also Like
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
A roof is a house hat.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me