me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
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Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
This is hilarious
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
January has been Januweary
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.