Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
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“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
gentlemen, hear me out
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Reminder:
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
sistine chapel
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen