Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
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I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Pass gas, not judgment.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”