Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
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Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere