Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous

IKEA Manager: Sir.

singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”