Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”

#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.

Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts!

Happy Halloween 🎃

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.