Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes

Optometrist: I am please stop talking

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

Attacked by a mop.

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second