Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

1st marriage: Love, naivety.

2nd marriage: Health insurance.

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

*crawls into windowless creeper van*

One kidnapping, please.

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.