Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog

My phone: Would you like to save this password?

Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!

“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*

Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you

I have the bruises of a much more active person.