Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning

My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate

Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES

Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.

I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.