Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

lmao

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news

My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.

I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us

Me: Ok…

8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”

Me:

8yo:

11yo:

Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…

God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it

me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?

friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.

me: ooh how often do you water that.

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude

*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*

Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know