Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

someone just bragged they had two jobs.

this country is so lost.

Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.

Sharon, call the vet

Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?

*goes home*

Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.

New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?

Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here

New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?

Me: I didn’t say things like that?

I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼‍♀️

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

No thanks, toilets that flush.

-kids

My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.

Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.

Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else

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me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*