ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
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Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so