me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
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“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black