Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”

Christmas Day

“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog

Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

“He seems kind of rude”

“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”

“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”

My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano

king: how would that help

advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.