Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

[First Date]

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”

*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor

Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”

Me: nah

Husb: you could create your own cult

Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh

CROCODILE: SAY IT

She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.

HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!

[later]

DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”

I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS

we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

President The Rock Obama

Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.