Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
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You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
How I like cutting carbs
