Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
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Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
