@StaceyLynne_44

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

You Might Also Like

@astutenewf

Her:How long before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”

Dr.:No one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.

@Mindless4Miles

Every gift from a child is special. Except for this, pine cone #763. I could really do without that.

@LuvPug

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

@CulturedRuffian

* on a date *

Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?

Me: I’m on a diet.

Date: So what will you order for dinner?

Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.

Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!

Me:

@AKcrazy18

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

That’ll blow his Lil mind

@Home_Halfway

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

@jazmasta

“Please. I need this” I whisper as a 14 year old girl starts to get the better of me in an arm wrestling match.

@JimmySelfDest

Mother in law found me… On the twitter

This will be converted into a pineapple upside down cake blog for the next 72 hours.

I’m so sorry

@joe_binkley

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

@sageboggs

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business