Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
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Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends