Her:How long before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”
Dr.:No one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
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Every gift from a child is special. Except for this, pine cone #763. I could really do without that.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
“Please. I need this” I whisper as a 14 year old girl starts to get the better of me in an arm wrestling match.
Mother in law found me… On the twitter
This will be converted into a pineapple upside down cake blog for the next 72 hours.
I’m so sorry
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business