Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.

Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.

But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?

If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.

When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES

Also me: is 40

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.