Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what

*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!

I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n

In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”

When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone