Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
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the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.