Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.

Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.

Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries

Cable guy:

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

#SometimesForFun I update signs at work

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

No chill.

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.

My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep

Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.