Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”

Me:

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.

#vss365

Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

When a new bird species visits your bird feeder

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.