Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
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Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
This fish is cracking me up
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.