Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*