Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting

Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

The song “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” from Mulan just hits different when Dr. Frankenstein sings it.

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

new wife guy just dropped

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.

Guy: I’m an organist

Me: what you got against organs?

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

This will never not be funny to me.

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

I saw you checking me out.

Cashier: Literally my job, sir.