Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
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You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Drive like no one is watching.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad