Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.

The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor

*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”

Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

Me: what word would you use?

Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés