Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

United Steaks of America

the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.