me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
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So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Ain’t no way
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.