me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
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for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
“I asked Santa for a real duck.”
— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST