Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

Doctor: Are you a danger to yourself or others?
Me: You mean I have to pick one?

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

Them: Just act casual
Me:

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

[group therapy]

IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist

[others nod]

ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone

[screaming]

[Ian pukes]