ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
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You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
marvel comics have peaked
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription