Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
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If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?