Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen

– Tom Hanks, probably

DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.

Seems legit

A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”

New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life

Him: I’m an animal person

Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?

Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen