Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
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BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
my proudest tweet
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for