me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
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I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
How do I get a job writing these texts
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.