Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?

Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?

Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him

The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me