Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]

My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

Twitter is like:

funny joke

funny joke

funny joke

HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE

funny joke

funny joke

angry guy who didn’t get the joke

academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you

[Crossword]

7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.

the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.