Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

[1st date]

date: you have any hobbies?

me: i collect old comics

date: oh like first editions?

me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.

Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

Rt to bother an English speaker

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out