*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
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“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”