Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
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Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
こいつ天才
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
