Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

Her, 5: can I have another pickle?

Me: no more pickles

Her: can I stare at the pickles?

Me: sure

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

[office]

Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them

Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.