Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

🤬فقط في مصر 🤬

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you

I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.

I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…

to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

I swear some people should be banned from cooking

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.

“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…