Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
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It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
set yourself free xox
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.