Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*

Son: what are those wrinkles

Me: crows feet

Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you

Me:

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.