Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.

road rage

How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.