me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
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doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”