me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
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Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Please vote for people who are attractive
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]