me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
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Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Ok, but like, how married are you?