@MarfSalvador

me: stop calling me names!

bully: shut up names

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@TheAndrewNadeau

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

@GeorgiaSweet20

*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

@koalaslament

I need a new job. One where I’m always running out the door with my arms flailing and holding a jar screaming “I GOTTA GET THIS TO THE LAB!”

@thatudiboy

Nothing is interesting as watching two very drunk people fighting.

That’s the one time you also witness slow motion effect in reality.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out