me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
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“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.