Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc

So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.

Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.

Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!

Job interviewer:…and a weakness?

My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000