Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

Tough love is true love

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?

when she block me on everything

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

Just parrot things

[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try

Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?

I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.