Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.

Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.

Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

*on walkie-talkies

Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically

Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…