Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.

Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.

(one hour later)

Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.

Stomach: Gross

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.