Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.

I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.

Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.

When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

I’m not sorry.

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

Looks at the shower

At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that